Ballet, Prisons, and Paint
by Evil T36-Cookie
Summary: Summary = Sirius Black escapes from prison. There's a new D.A.D.A. teacher. This story makes for a good foot-rubbin' time! Oh, and if anyone can guess where Maynard is from, I'll give you a chicken.


Hello! My friend Perminator challenged me to write a story. I also challenged her to one. These are the rules for mine:  
  
1) Someone must sing "Prison Sex". (A/N: It's by a wonderful band called TOOL. It's the best damned song! Their new CD, Lateralus, is very good; buy it!)  
2) Main characters have to be Sirius Black and Dobby.   
3) Sirius and Dobby have to flirt with each other.   
4) Hermione has to call someone a "pooky horn"  
5) Dudley and Snape have to flirt with each other.  
6) Maynard (from TOOL) has to make a special appearance; he can't sing or help sing "Prison Sex."  
7) It has to be above PG-13.  
  
A/N: If this were an actual book it would be the eighth one. (Yes, I am very aware there are going to be only seven, so don't tell me I'm stupid for not knowing, because I damned well do!)  
Yes, I have the magical powers of extending the time they have to go to school. So don't say anything about it. If you don't like my way, fuck you. These characters aren't mine. I don't own Maynard, ballet, or the wonderful band TOOL  
  
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THE STORY!  
  
"Harry, why is that blasted Dudley coming along?" Hermione asked with a pissed off tone.  
  
"Like I told you a hundred times ago, well, he has a bit of wizard in him." Harry was frightened at the thought of a stupid, narrow-minded boy like Dudley having a trace of magical blood in him.  
  
Dudley sat on the bus cramming a lot of chocolate frogs into his mouth at the same time. He was trying to see how many would fit in at once. He managed to swallow half of the cards that came with them. Those, he found, were the best part. (Did you know: Roadkill is recycled into paper.)   
  
Hermione looked at Dudley with wanting eyes. Somehow she had managed to sort of like him. Him and his circus tent sized pants.... Right. She didn't want anyone knowing though, because, think about it.... Would you want someone knowing you liked Dudley, the whale boy? I hope not. (I'm sorry if you do like Dudley and I offended you.)  
  
"Hermione, you have nice arms. Can I lick them?" Dudley asked. He wanted to lick her arm.(Eww... that thought scares me.) He licked her arm before she managed to say no.  
  
"Oh damn you, you pooky horn!" She smacked him HARD.  
  
Dudley was very saddened. This did not last long because he went back to the game of seeing how many chocolate frogs he could fit in his mouth all at once. He wanted to beat his record of thirteen.  
  
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Meanwhile....  
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"Damn you, Dobby!" a shaggy looking Sirius Black roared.  
  
"Dobby is sorry. Dobby is a bad, bad house elf."  
----  
Awhile back, Dobby and Sirius were being all illegal and stuff. The usual, robbing banks (muggle ones, muggles are stupid), cleaning houses they weren't supposed to and asking to be paid, blah, blah. The usual. Muggle police authorities found out when a Mrs. Viola Sutton accused them of sucking out all her sewage waste. (This should be awarded, believe you me.)   
----  
"Dobby, if you keep stealing my blankets, I'll have to repetitively lick you until you turn into some sort of pruny house-elf jumble." Sirius winked oh so seductively.  
  
"Dobby is cold! Master Sirius please give Dobby your blanket! Dobby lost his socks to the evil prison guards! All 200 pairs of them!" Dobby pleaded.   
  
Sirius licked Dobby.   
  
That night, while Sirius was sleeping, he had the most horrific dream. Hagrid was doing unmentionable acts to his dog, Fang. He awoke with a cold sweat all over; trembling with revulsion. He blamed this on Dobby.   
  
'Maybe house-elves are like those damned psychadelic frogs you lick and get high, except house-elves give you scary dreams,' Sirius thought to himself. 'I need to get out of this horrid, bad, evil, Muggle infested shit-hole.' Sirius looked at Dobby. "Hey Dobby, we need to escape this joint."  
  
"Dobby is not knowing how. Dobby has never been in a Muggle prison. Dobby-" Sirius clasped his hand to Dobby's mouth obviously wanting him to shut up.  
  
"I have an idea. I turn you into some sort of wierd rodent and I morph into a dog and we escape. We need to time this perfectly though...."   
  
A couple weeks passed. Sirius still licked Dobby, although, the weird dreams kept coming back.   
  
One day, Sirius came back from his liscence plate making job and found Dobby in nothing but Sirius's blanket.  
  
"Hello Sirius," the little horny house-elf said "seductively". (I doubt a house elf could sound seductive....) Dobby dropped his blanket revealing himself to Sirius. Black covered his eyes and shuddered. Dobby didn't seem to notice. Dobby began to strip Sirius. (Sirius is too long. I'm calling him P-Dec now.) P-Dec was in such a state of horrified shock he couldn't do anything but stand there. When Dobby was done he pushed P-Dec down on to the prison bed face first. Dobby started screwing P-Dec. (Woo wee. Arrousing. -gag- Would this be slash?)   
  
"This reminds Dobby of a song he heard a while back, I remember every single word because I have a great memory!" Dobby grunted. He began to sing, "It took so long to remember just what happened. I was so young and vestal then. You know it hurt me, but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive, even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. I've got my hands bound, my head down , my eyes closed, and my throat wide open.   
  
"Do unto others what has been done to you. Do unto others what has been done to you.  
  
"I'm treading water, I need to sleep a while. My lamb and martyre, you look so precious. Won't you, won't you come a, a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this, I can't stand to burn too long. Released in sodomy. For one sweet moment I'm whole.  
  
"Do unto you now what has been done to me. Do unto you now what has been done....  
  
"You're breathing so I guess you're still alive, even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. Won't you, won't you come just a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. Release in sodomy. For I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted. I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted. And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.   
  
"Got your hands bound, and your head down, and your eyes closed. You look so precious now.  
  
"I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shit, blood, and cum on my hands.   
  
"I've come round full circle. My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious, you look so precious, you look so precious, you look so precious, you look so precious now, you look so precious...." (Damn, this is a good song! It's on the CD Undertow. This CD isn't as great as Lateralus, but very, very close to it. The lyrics are scary, but it's damn good!)  
  
When Dobby was done singing the song, he had blood, shit, and cum on his hands.  
P-Dec was out of his weird little trance thing and he smacked Dobby so hard Hermione would have died out of complete and utter fury. Dobby went sailing across the room.   
P-Dec got dressed and transformed into his dog form. The guards noticed a dog standing in his cell and let him out. P-Dec, the dog, ran all the way to Hogwarts where Harry was.   
  
"Hi...uhh... doggy," Harry said unsure of what to call Sirius. P-Dec gave Harry the piece of paper he was holding in his mouth. "Meet me at Midnight tonight in the common room. I'll be in there." (That's what it said.)   
  
Luckily, for Harry, he only seen Dudley in his Potions class he had with the Slytherins. (Dudley was a Slytherin....)   
  
Dudley went up to the front of the class one day and said, "My, my, Professor Snape, your potion ingredients do look rather smashing today." Dudley winked. He was trying to make Hermione jealous.   
  
"Why thank you, Dudley," giggled Snape as he batted his eyelashes and wrapped his oily hair around his index finger. "Your pants look like they fit alot more since yesterday." Snape went back to his giggling and the batting of his eyelashes.  
  
The whole potions lesson was like this, except for the occasional "20 points from Gryffindor!" and a nasty glare. Snape was being even more nastier than usual trying to impress Dudley. (Dudley is oh so wonderful. -sigh-)  
  
But the real part of the story is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Snape hated this one even more then the others. Not only did he take Snape's job, but this one, this one was a hoodlum! One of Dumbledore's friends, nonetheless.   
  
"Hey, Harry! Did you hear about our New Defense Against Dark Arts teacher? Man! I hear he's a real freak!" one of the Hufflepuffs said to him in the hall one day. Harry had this class next, fortunately.   
  
He walked in and there was this bald man covered in blue body paint sitting in the teacher's desk. Harry couldn't believe it.   
  
"Hey Hermione, does he look familiar to you at all?"   
  
"Yeah, when my parents took me to go see the circus. I think he was the little clown...." Hermione looked a bit confused.  
  
The freaky blue man said, "I am Maynard! Beware of the cries of the carrots!"   
(Maynard is the singer from Tool.)   
  
Everyone stared.  
  
"I am a good friend of Dumbledore's. He came to one of my nice concerts one day and I signed his ass. Not a pretty sight. But, I'm also in the Dunking People in Vats of Paint Club, for those of you who are interested. I also do ballet." Professor Maynard looked around at everybody. He could tell they were a little frightened.   
  
"First, this year, I will be teaching you how to ward off coughiepotts. These creatures attack you in your kitchen in the morning." He took out his wand and conjured a wierd looking alien. It got on its hands and feet and move its head back and forth in an odd swinging motion.   
  
"Hell, that could scare anything," Ron whispered to Harry.  
  
Harry giggled.  
  
Maynard sang a song and did a few piourettes. After that he got a big barrel of green paint, invited Snape in, and dumped it all over him.  
  
"You look like Trent Reznor in the video for Deep!" Maynard squealed.   
  
Snape grumbled something that sounded like "fuck you, asswipe" and left.  
  
A couple weeks passed and everyone was really starting to like thier new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Dudley told Snape he wanted to fuck him like an animal because Snape gets Dudley closer to God. (Have I made my point clear enough yet?)  
  
One day in the Great Hall, during dinner Dumbledore stood up and said, "My friend, Professor Maynard, has just informed me that he will be having a ballet concert soon. We're all welcome to come! I've seen this man do pirouettes like no other."   
  
So the whole school had to come because if they didn't, Professor Maynard would curse them.   
  
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The night of the ballet....  
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Most of Hogwarts school, besides the ones who had refused to go and been cursed, filed into the big auditorium. Not too long after, the lights dimmed and soft music started playing. Sirius came along and hid in Harry's cloak. (He's THAT thin, yes.)  
  
Professor Maynard came out and danced, pirouetted, leaped, and twirled around the stage with nice Tool background music. All of a sudden the music stopped, and a man whom looked quite similar to Professor Snape appeared. He had a microphone.   
  
"Hello. I'm drunk. The teachers are having a big ass party backstage. I must say this. My REAL name is Trent Reznor. Your evil Dark Arts Professor found out and was taunting me. I came out here to kill him."  
  
There were gasps all around the auditorium. Snape/Reznor pulled out a gun and shot Professor Maynard. (BOOM!) Maynard fell down in a big puddle of blood.   
  
"Back to my story, I came here to teach because the life of being a big celebrity was really starting to fuck me up. Once in awhile I do another music video, or a song, but not too often. Just enough that people won't suspect anything odd." He paused and thought, 'Oh shit, what am I doing? I can't let these prick students know who I am!'  
  
Trent/Severus quickly devised a plan. He ran off stage. He quickly conjured up some dynamite and placed it all around the support collumns of the theatre. He set it off by magic and the whole place blew up. Everyone died. Even him...and Maynard.   
  
  
A/N: These aren't my characters. If they were I wouldn't be sitting around writing fanfics about them. Assmonkeys. 


End file.
